


The Peace in My Troubled Sea

by pandorabox82



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9313868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Serena comes to realise just what Bernie is to her in the aftermath of Elinor's accident.





	

"One of us needs to go and get fresh clothes, Bernie."

Serena looked up at her lover, knowing that she had just appeared at her shoulder. Her face looked as tired and drawn as she imagined her own to look, and she gave her partner a tired smile as she beckoned her forward. Bernie was closer to her in an instant, clasping her hand before crouching down to look into her eyes. "I don't want to leave you."

"It's not like I'm going anywhere, besides down to Jason's room. Or maybe to take a nap in the on call room." A small yawn split her lips as she let her head loll forward until their foreheads touched. "You've been so very faithful to us, and I would be remiss if I didn't urge you to look after yourself just as well as you're looking after me. Please, go home, get some rest, and bring us back new outfits."

She tipped her chin up a little so that her lips just brushed against Bernie's. It was the closest she could allow them to be while at work, where anyone could walk in on them, and she only hoped that Bernie understood. From the smile on her lips, Serena knew that everything was okay. "The only way I will agree to do that is if you do two things for me."

"And that would be?"

Bernie pulled away from Serena and stood up, wobbling a little as she rubbed her thighs. "One, you have to head down to Pulses and eat something. And two, you need to utilize the on call room and take a short nap. I'll expect you to be there when I return."

Serena drew in a long breath as she thought about the two tasks she had been given. "I suppose that I could do that. As long as, after checking on me, you sit by Elinor's side for a little while. I know that she was a bit rude to you, before this happened, but I know she would have loved you, if things had turned out differently. I don't know if I can say goodbye to her, Bernie."

"Well, it's a good thing that you were given charge over her medical decisions, then, so that you don't have to worry about Edward taking that decision away from you." She nodded a little as she stood up, wrapping her arms around her torso as she looked down at her daughter. "I'll head out now. Remember, two tasks."

"Yes, Bernie." She gave her partner the first true smile she'd felt in her heart since the surgery, and Bernie returned the expression before squeezing her shoulder lightly and leaving the room. Serena waited a few beats before turning her attention back to her daughter. "She loves me, Ellie. She can't say the words, not yet, but in every way, she shouts it. And I love her. I wish we had had more time together, as a family. You would have gotten accustomed to her laugh, just as I have. It fills the room, and I can just hear your little giggle as you catch hold of her mirth. But now that's just going to be a conflation in my head. Oh, my sweet Elinor, I'm so sorry."

Bending down a little, Serena pressed her lips to Elinor's forehead, trying not to be disappointed when there was no reaction. Her brain had processed that fact, but it seemed that her heart was still playing catch up. Letting out a deep sigh, she gave one last look to her daughter before turning and heading out to the lifts. Zosia and Oliver were conversing at the nurse's station, and they both gave her that damned pitying look that was the constant expression on so many people's faces, and she pressed her lips tightly together as she pressed the button to call for the elevator.

"They don't understand."

She turned to look at Jac, taking in placid, blank, expression on her face. Dragging her eyes up to Jac's, she could see the pain in them, and gave her a short nod. "Yeah," she breathed out. "I, I'm going to get some coffee. Would you want to share a cup with me?"

"I'm actually heading down to consult on Keller. But any other time, I would take you up on that offer. I'll check in on Elinor once I'm back."

Serena let out a long breath as a ghost of a smile slipped over her lips. "Thank you," she managed to choke out, blinking rapidly in order to stem the sudden appearance of tears. To her surprise, Jac reached out and patted her shoulder lightly, before cocking her head to one side. "I, I have to go now," she said in a hurried voice as she stepped into the elevator car. Jac nodded a little as the doors slid closed and Serena let out a sigh of relief as she found herself alone.

By the time she arrived on the ground floor, Serena had mostly pulled herself together, and she joined the queue for Pulses. As she waited, she patted her pockets, realizing that she hadn't brought any money with her. "I've got this, Ms. Campbell."

She slowly turned her head up to look into Hanssen's face. His features were drawn, pinched, as if he had taken on a bit of her own grief in the short time that they were near each other. "Okay," she whispered as she looked back down at her hands. The man stepped closer to her, and she relished the warmth that rolled off him in waves.

It didn't surprise her that he knew her coffee order, and she added on a chocolate pastry after he'd asked the barista for their coffees, knowing that she needed to eat something as well. Hanssen gave her an indulgent smile as he added a sandwich to the order as well. "I find myself with a bit of time, Ms. Campbell. Would you care to sit with me while we drink our coffee?"

Serena nodded, allowing the man to guide her over to one of the booths and press her into the seat. After he'd sat down across from her, he pushed the sandwich over to her. "I have my pastry."

"I forgot that I'm going to have a working lunch later on today. And since it's already purchased, I would hate for it to go to waste."

She arched an eyebrow at him as she started to unwrap the food, trying not to dwell on the fact that it was her favourite type. Hanssen knew entirely too much about all of them, and she had learned years ago to never question what and how he knew. "I don't need you hovering over me, too," she said a bit peevishly as she broke off a piece of one triangle and popping it in her mouth. Her stomach rumbled hungrily as the food hit it, and she flushed a little at the tiny smile that quirked up Hanssen's lips. "Save it."

"I said nothing, Ms. Campbell. However, if you feel guilty enough to blush, perhaps you know exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself." Serena nodded as she took another bite of the sandwich, thinking back to when the last time she'd actually eaten was. "How is your daughter?"

"There's no change. It's been thirty-six hours, I'm still clinging to desperate hope, but I have to start thinking like a doctor and not a mother, don't I?"

Hanssen shook his head. "There is no reason why you should have to switch mantles, Ms. Campbell. You are the patient's doctor, but your daughter's mother. There is the distinction, and it would do well for you to remember that it is there." She gave him a small nod before taking a larger bite of the sandwich, using it as a buffer between them, needing the space to collect herself once more. "There is no timetable on grief, and I know that you know that. I know that you've given that advice to others in your position. But I really want you to hear them."

She quickly swallowed before picking up her coffee and taking a small sip. "I want to see her eyes, one more time, looking at me. I want to feel her hand slip into mine and squeeze it tightly. I want to hear more about this huge debt she seems to have accrued in the last few months. I want to argue with her again."

She didn't realise that she was crying until he handed over his handkerchief. "I can only imagine. And Jason? How is he doing?"

"As well as could be expected. Bernie did an amazing job on his surgery, and I will be ever grateful for her saving his life. If I had lost both of them…" Her voice trailed off as she dabbed the handkerchief beneath her eyes, trying to gain control of her emotions once more. "She's the peace in my troubled sea."

"Yes, I would imagine that she is. And you haven't lost any of your children."

"Not yet," she breathed out, chancing to look up at him. His piercing eyes were full of compassion, and she drew her shoulders up around her ears as she fiddled with her coffee cup, needing something to occupy her hands as she tried to think about why she had just opened herself up like that. From the corner of her eye, she watched as Hanssen slid his arm across the table and rested his hand atop hers. A tiny sob broke from her lips as she clasped said hand.

"Serena?"

"I can't Henrik. I have to face the truth, my baby's not coming home with me. I've tried to be so strong for her, for Jason, for Bernie, but I can't do this any longer. Oh god, my baby girl!" She felt like her voice was incredibly loud, and she glanced around to see who was staring at Crazy Campbell now.

Hanssen's hand tightened around hers, and she focused on that sensation, wishing it was Bernie there with her instead. "There are no words in this world that can ease your sorrow, Serena. Just know that you have friends who are here to support you." She gave him a small nod as she pursed her lips together, trying to stem the flow of her tears.

Needing to put more distance between them once more, she picked up her pastry and quickly devoured it before finishing off her coffee. "I want to see Jason, but I don't want him to see me like this…"

"I would be more than happy to visit with him for a time. We could discuss World's Strongest Man, and perhaps some other subjects." She gave him a small smile as she took a few deep breaths. "All right, I believe that some time in the on-call room is in order for you. Shall we?"

A tremulous smile flitted across her face as she nodded. Hanssen slipped from the booth and held out his arm. Serena joined him without hesitation, slipping her hand into the crook of his elbow and allowing him to lead her over to the lift and as they waited she listened to him hum lightly under his breath. There was a certain calming effect to the sound, and she found herself leaning towards him as they rode up to AAU.

Serena found herself grateful that he guided her into the on-call room, though she was a little disconcerted by the fact that no one stopped them, or even looked in their direction. "I'll send Ms. Wolfe to you, when I see her return."

"Thank you, Henrik," she murmured as she stepped out of her shoes and drifted over to the bed. "Henrik?"

"Yes?" he asked as he paused in the doorway.

"I…" She didn't know how to put into words what she desired, because she wasn't certain what that was. Still, he seemed to understand as he closed the door and strode over to her side as she curled up under the covers. "Mummy's gone, Ellie's leaving, and who am I going to have to look after me?"

He held out his hand to her as she made herself comfortable on the mattress, pulling the covers up around her shoulder, and then she was clasping it tightly. "You have to find your lighthouse in the darkness, and I have the feeling that that is Ms. Wolfe." She nodded as she started to cry once more, and she closed her eyes, needing to shut herself off from everything in that moment.

Still, Hanssen sat by her side, holding her hand, as he began to sing lowly in Swedish. Serena allowed the sound of his voice to wash over her, and she drifted off into an uneasy sleep, chaotic dreams of Elinor, Jason, Bernie, and her mum tumbling around in her head. She came to with a gasp, her hand pressed tight to her chest as she sat up.

"Serena?"

Turning her head, she saw Bernie seated by her side, concern etched deeply onto her face. "You're here. I thought you were going to be with Ellie?"

"I was already there. Hanssen was sitting with her, and he told me to sit here, with you, until you woke up. Serena…"

"I know, Bernie, I know. Would you call Edward this time? I need to have as much time with Elinor before he arrives." Her lover nodded before leaning in and kissing her gently. "What did you bring me to wear?"

"Your favorite blouse, and a fresh pair of black trousers. I found a skirt in your wardrobe, but I wasn't certain if you'd want to wear that, though I did pack it and tights, on the off chance. I've watched you for so long, and I still feel like I can't get a handle on your style. I'm so much easier to dress."

"Skinny jeans and a shirt, yes. But you make it look good." It felt so nice to banter with Bernie, since it helped to settle the disquiet in her soul. "Would you lock the door so I can change?"

"It's already locked."

She nodded as she stood up, watching Bernie copy the move, and it was so easy to drift into her space and rest her forehead against her shoulder and wrap her arms around Bernie's waist. She wasn't expecting the woman to return the embrace, and so her heart cracked a little when she was pulled tighter to Bernie's body. "Thank you."

A soft breath escaped Bernie's nose as they stood there, just holding each other, and then Serena pulled away to look into her lover's eyes. They were full of pain, and she nodded a little before leaning up and kissing Bernie once more. "I will be by your side, Serena. We're in this for the long haul. No more running, as I want to give you a reason to stay."

"Just be my lighthouse, Bernie. Be the peace in my troubled sea." Bernie gave her a small smile as she nodded. Serena nodded tightly as she stepped away and stripped off her clothes. A small smile crossed her lips as Bernie handed her the fresh garments, and once she was in her outfit, Serena felt like she was ready to face the future ahead of her.

"Here, let me do fix your hair, darling," Bernie murmured as she stepped closer to Serena, reaching out and carding her fingers through her short brown hair, fluffing it out a little before leaning in and kissing her softly. "Are you ready to head back up?"

"Honestly?" Bernie nodded. "No. But you're with me. So that makes it a tiny bit easier." She looked up into Bernie's dark eyes, taking in the sheen of unshed tears, and realized that her lover was trying to be just as strong for her, too. "Thank you." Bernie nodded as they made their way out of the room, and Serena know at that moment, no matter what happened in her life, she had her lighthouse to guide her safe to shore.


End file.
